GPA drop linked to Bernie Sanders(April Fools!)

Caitlin Jansson
Staff Writer

A new study by the Academic Senate suggests that students are struggling to maintain their GPAs while following Bernie Sanders’ campaign.

“Students just aren’t able to focus,” said English professor Karen Watts.* “The other day, I caught one of my students falling asleep during class and muttering something about Super PACs. It’s ridiculous.”

Students have admitted that they sometimes #FeelTheBern so much it is difficult to focus on their schoolwork.

Student Madeline Anderson has admitted to being distracted by Bernie Sanders.

“Sometimes when I’m supposed to be studying, I daydream that Bernie Sanders is my grandfather,” she said. “That’s probably a little weird, though.”

Anderson later admitted that she often casually refers to Senator Sanders as “Grandpapa Sanders” and sometimes travels to small, independently owned cafes in Vermont that she thinks Sanders might have been to.

Sophomore Michael Wells has also said that he has had trouble focusing on school this election year. “It took me six hours to finish a one-page summary on the night of the Michigan primaries.” He continued, “I kept taking study breaks and staring at my computer to see if Bernie was still up by two points.”

History professor Elizabeth Mayfield also discussed the Michigan primaries.

“I should have cancelled my 8 a.m. class on Mar. 9,” Mayfield said. “Half of the class was absent, and I found three students doodling caricatures of Wall Street CEOs. Some of them were actually quite impressive.”
The Dean of Students has spoken out about the growing concern of student GPA drops as the New York State Primary approaches.

“Our student body must realize that education should be a priority,” he said in a statement on Friday. “Education should not take a back seat to politics.”

The Dean further expressed his concerns in an interview.

“Why do students have to be so informed about politics?” he asked. “Why can’t they just accept the establishment candidate and focus on their general education requirements?”

*Names have been changed to protect faculty and students from angry and potentially violent Donald Trump supporters.

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