Get a room, please.

Dear couples making out in the cafeteria,

I would like to congratulate you on your success…if we can call it that. I would like to share with you an experience I had the other day.

Yesterday I sat down to eat one of the most repulsive slices of pizza I’ve ever tried. I was in the cafeteria and was unaware that my seat was a front row ticket to a how-to on face sucking. I say this because I don’t make a habit of looking at other couples as they devour one another.

However, after ten minutes of trying to avert my eyes from the action, the rising noise level make it sort of inevitable.

Young couple, I can appreciate where you are in your relationship, but I can also sympathize with those around me. What you’re doing is frankly disgusting to everyone but you.

No one wants to see your tongue in her mouth or her hand on your genitals. Whether onlookers are jealous, turned on or simply can’t stand you (it’s probably the latter), you’re still disrupting an uneventful day.

While most people would tell you to get a room and leave it at that, we compiled a list of places you can go to do your thing. A word to the wise: we’re not encouraging you to do anything but leave us alone. If you get caught with your hand in the cookie jar, so to speak, don’t complain to us.

With this idea in mind, here it goes…

1. Your car. The car is the most optimal place, because during class time, there are a lot less people in the parking lot. There is much less of a risk during the winter, because no one wants to make an unnecessary trip. During the spring, people tend to congregate on the grass, not the pavement.

2. Classrooms. If you’re into the thrill of victory and the agony of getting caught, try a classroom (with no one in it, of course). The great thing about classrooms is that while they’re not in use, they’re not really scrutinized. You could do a lot in one with only the risk of a lost student barging in.

3. Bathrooms. As the most common place for hookups, we’ve all walked into a school bathroom – one of the ones in the buildings in which no one goes – to see something which cannot be unseen. Bathrooms are a great place because they provide relative privacy and lockable doors. If you can keep the volume down, people won’t think twice about the noises from the next stall while they’re making sure their hair looks okay.

Remember, though, we’re not encouraging you to do any of this. If you get caught, we can’t be held responsible.