New lot to open for ‘bad’ parking jobs(April Fools!)

TyNeil McLer
Editing Manager

Customized spaces will be available for student drivers with non-conforming parking preferences.

Two hundred new parking spaces will be added starting next week. The area, JK lot, will be distant from the other lots to avoid conflict between drivers.

“Drivers comfortable with making bad parking jobs need a place to explore their ways of life without having to face assimilation,” said Cal Lision, assistant director of parking and recreation.

The initiative came after a recent Hudson Valley study found that 15 percent of students believe parking lines are “cool decorations.” Another five percent of students have never noticed parking boundaries.

Originally, the college considered starting a disorderly parking prevention campaign, but decided prevention efforts would likely be ineffective.

“I mean, when [students] don’t know what parking lines are, there’s not much I can do to save them. So, in conclusion, there’s not much we can do,” said Annie Freeze, Public Safety parking director.

After researching other alternatives to limit disorderly parking, the administrators gave up and decided to isolate student drivers with non-conforming parking preferences from other drivers.

In the project’s first phase, about 40 lines will be painted over curbs to accommodate grass-oriented drivers. Other lines, mostly diagonal, will be placed several inches within neighboring boundaries.

During the next phase, fake handicap parking spaces, fire lanes, crosswalks and fire hydrants will be placed around the lot to attract apathetic students. Actors from the theatre program are will be hired to hand out fake tickets.

“Some folks really have a hard time being considerate of other people, and they deserve to have their wishes tolerated,” said Oliver Ational, physical plant assistant director of ethical redevelopment.

The final phase will start in early May, which will add motorcycle spots centered in between parking spaces.

The physical plant anticipates the motorcycle spots to open up opportunities for all motorists to park carelessly.

May 10 is the project’s current completion date. The lot is expected to open on May 14, the morning of the sixty-second commencement to test the project’s success.

“This is the best day for irritating parking jobs that upset families across the Capital Region and beyond, and it’s the best opportunity to see if slightly less strangers hate each other,” said Liam Unqualified, commencement complaint coordinator.

Adam Badriver, ECM student, wishes the project started earlier in his time at Hudson Valley. Badriver reported motor vehicle theft in the F lot last Tuesday. His car was towed for being in the center of a lane for over three hours.

Since the age of 16, Sid Eotic, nursing student, said he has been maliciously targeted by other drivers for his parking jobs. Until hearing about the new lot on the student announcements two days ago, Eotic considered parking closer between lines.

“Ever since I got my license, everyone has written me nasty notes about parking over five lanes,” said Eotic. “I’m just being myself.”

Unlike Ryder, Chloe Fensive, liberal arts student, believes the new lot doesn’t go far enough towards protecting self-expression. She said, parking lots have become “too politically correct.” Being flipped off and addressed with expletives by other drivers moving through the H Lot on weekdays, Fensive wishes there was separate lot for controversial bumper stickers.

“President Obama was born in Kenya, and I can’t drive without letting the world know what I think about everything from the rear of my car,” said Fensive.