New professor stuns students

Hunter Wallace
Meme Writer

Students are unhappy with Hudson Valley’s newest liberal arts professor.

Julian Downs, professor of the new course elective basket weaving theory, is facing fierce criticism from students taking the class.

According to various students, Downs is unconcerned with moving the class forward.

“Professor Downs seemed like a cool guy when the semester started, but I quickly realized he doesn’t care about teaching actual content,” said Joe Shot, an individual studies major.

“I knew something was up when Professor Downs took an entire week to review the syllabus and class procedures,” said Biff Tango, a liberal arts major.

Downs has allegedly spent more time reflecting on his life than teaching his students. For fine arts students Kelly McNab and Gloria Day, the shortage of class content has led to unsettling consequences.

“I took this class to learn to craft baskets, but instead I learned unnecessary facts about my professor’s personal life,” said McNab.

According to McNab, Professor Downs does not wear deodorant.

“Downs once told us that he never uses deodorant because he feels it’s ‘unnatural.’ I’ve had nightmares every night since then,” said McNab.

Professor Downs also tells personal stories about his family and diet.

“I love a good story as much as the next girl, but I thought I’d be creating beautiful baskets, not hearing a middle-aged man explain how his daughter had her zits surgically removed—and then later showing us the video,” said Day.

“After seeing that, I just cannot look at someone with acne without feeling faint,” said Day.

Despite mounting student disapproval, there are some who favor Downs and his teaching methods.

Digital media student Kip Dab likes Professor Downs and his stories. “I feel that the whole basket weaving concept is a metaphor for making choices that shape a perfect life,” he said.

“Professor Downs teaches more than just basket weaving,” said criminal justice student Dude Eiser. “Through his lengthy reflections on life, one can truly learn to appreciate life as a whole, rather than a simple existence,” he said.

Downs responded to his student’s concerns regarding his teaching methods.

“I consider myself not only a mere professor, but an advocate of enlightenment as well,” said Downs.

“Sure, some may see my prolonged lectures on my past life experiences as boring and unnecessary, but I consider them to be insightful considerations. Yes, the class is about weaving baskets, but I like to review all my instructions with students in depth and speak of my past because I feel it provides wisdom to them.”

The number of students taking Downs’ class fluctuates, but he is confident that students who reach the end will gain knowledge necessary for weaving success.

“Students that take basket weaving theory may not gain the knowledge or skills needed for their desired careers, but they will gain a working understanding of how to craft elegant baskets and improve their understanding of life overall,” said Downs.

Downs continued, “In all honestly, if students wish to expand their consciences and develop an open mind, then this is the best course available, and it is my sincere hope that this is understood.”