Humorous

New vending machines will know you better than you know yourself

Setodzi Avoke
Junior Copy Editor

The new vending machines around campus will remember your orders.
The new vending machines around campus will remember your orders. Graphic by: Isaac Kautz

Vending machines equipped with facial recognition software are set to replace all current models on campus.

Hudson Valley received a $25 million grant from an organization to make the software. The new machines will be connected to a central database that collects and analyzes user data.

Once enough information is collected, predictive models determine when an order for a new shipment of goods should be forwarded to suppliers based off of the wants of individual customers.

“The new machines have really been transformative as far as my office goes,” said Vice President of Vending Machines John Freemont.

“Although our department has been around since the school’s founding in 1953, we honestly haven’t had much to do in the last 64 years,” said Fremont.

“We’ve gotten more service requests and inquiries in the last week than at any other other point of our department’s existence and unlike complaints about jammed machines, these can’t be ignored as easily,” said Freemont.

Prior to the complete rollout of the new technology on campus, some students have had an opportunity to try test models located in the Siek Campus Center.

“It was really weird at first,” said fine arts major Jim Forrestal.

“By the third time I used the machine, it already had the pretzels that I bought each time before queued for selection. When I tried to trick the programming by getting something else, it already knew me well enough to predict that I’d actually be grabbing cookies. It’s insane,” said Forrestal.

“I feel like I’ve finally found something that understands me,” said criminal justice major Ara Najarian.

“These machines are great listeners and they always know exactly how I’m feeling and what I want,” said Najarian. “They’re strong, dependable and although they seem cold on the outside, there’s a warmth and tenderness to find if you know just where to look,” she said.

Campus wide replacement is expected to be complete by April 14.

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