Sports balls tired of being kicked around
Zoey Deno
Staff Writer
Balls used for sports on campus are tired of being kicked and thrown around.
Psychic student Destiny Walsh provides insight into the thoughts of the Hudson Valley Athletics Department’s balls.
According to human services major and clairvoyant Destiny Walsh, Walsh has been blessed with the gift of being able to communicate with inanimate objects. The balls have been trying to “communicate” with her, and want to be heard.
“College is about following your dreams if you are a human,” Walsh interpreted for a soccer ball.
“If you are an object college is about just being used to help the humans achieve their goal,” said the soccer ball.
The soccer ball says it actually hates soccer. It enjoys ballet and dreams about being chosen to perform for the Bolshoi Ballet.
“No one cares about my dreams,” said the soccer ball. “Ever since I was a pile of rubber I wanted to be a ballerina. It hurts knowing that I will waste away here without ever achieving my dreams.”
A softball, who wishes to be referred to as “Tedward,” actually enjoys its use for the game.
“I’m really into being hit by attractive college students with a bat, I just wish I had a little more variety in my life,” Walsh interpreted for Tedward.
The softball often wonders why it can’t be used to play soccer or lacrosse.
“So what if I’m not built for it? I’ve seen plenty of players in shorts they clearly weren’t built for,” Tedward said.
A tennis ball also has plans to take over the world and enslave humanity. The ball hates how people, “repetitively beat it with a paddle and feed it to dogs.”
“My life is miserable because of humans, every time I feel their sticky little homo sapien fingers curling around me, I pray to the tennis gods that they lose me and I’m left to rot in a field somewhere,” said the tennis ball.
“I think other balls are unhappy because the sport they are made for sucks. Football is really the only sport that’s worth following,” Walsh interpreted for a football.
“There’s a reason my sport is the most popular in the entire world,” said the football.
The football said it has made amazing friends with the players and it enjoys being the “fundamental aspect” of victory for the team. The football says that sometimes it even deflates itself for the team before a game.
“Being able to express yourself through words is a gift that a lot of people take for granted, inanimate objects can’t do that,” said Walsh.
“They are trapped within themselves and are generally forced to deal with all of their emotions internally.”
Walsh said, “the next time you kick a ball thank it, ask it about its day and make it feel important. You don’t know it’s struggles, so help it find some solace in your kindness.”