The Hudsonian voted official national paper by Congress

Hunter Wallace
Meme Detail Editor

Hudson Valley was in for a surprise when Congress voted The Hudsonian the new official national newspaper for the country after it provided extended coverage of a recent scamming spree at the college.

News of this designation shocked everyone, but perhaps no one was more astonished than the students.

“I always thought The Hudsonian was a rag piece, something that only pumped out fake news,” said Johnny TwoByFour, a construction major and a known critic of the media in general. “Now that I’ve seen its exposé on the injustice on campus last year, I’m a firm believer in the power of student journalism.”

The overwhelming support for The Hudsonian around the nation we have today did not always exist.

“It’s true,” said Kevin Cole, an engineering major. “When I first read The Hudsonian years ago, it was full of puff pieces on unimportant facts and small stories that would put you to sleep. Now, I consider myself a proud reader of Hudson Valley’s fine paper.”

The newspaper’s circulation was so low at one point that it almost ceased to publish.

“Sad as it may be, The Hudsonian did face a very real threat of permanent hiatus,” said Rolph Boeme, Mechatronics major. “It was so bad that the editors would actually begin to publish full pages of memes. Sure, this was comical, but it also showed just how far the paper had fallen.”

The Hudsonian’s tainted image was reversed when a case of serial scamming swept across campus one year ago.

“It was exactly one year ago when infamous business-marketing students Ed, Edd and Eddy started scamming innocent students around campus,” said Student President Plank. “They thought it would be lucrative for them to resell old tests from their classes to new students enrolled in the course.”

It wasn’t until Hudsonian Staff Writer and architectural technology student Munson Shadoof noticed his peers in professor Snood’s memeology class receiving high grades on a test known around campus to be quite difficult that the truth was revealed.

“I knew something was up when everyone but me earned an A on the test,” Shadoof said. Professor Snood’s assessments are notorious for decimating students’ grades, yet everyone earned top marks, except me, so I decided to investigate.”

Shadoof’s investigation led him to question Snood, who then led Shadoof to Ed, Edd and Eddy.

“After questioning professor Snood about the grades, he admitted it seemed a bit out of place for the class to score so high on a test that gave his previous students migraines,” Shadoof said. “Upon further investigation, I found Ed, Edd and Eddy to be responsible for selling test answers from Snood’s early days of teaching. From then, it was just a matter of contacting the administration and notifying them of this crime.”

Once outed, the public discovered the Eds all possessed a track record of criminal behavior. This came mainly in the form of concocting childhood scams to deliberately deceive kids from their cul-de-sac to give them money for faulty products, the earnings of which the Eds would use to purchase excess amounts of jawbreaker candy.

This report eventually made its way to national news, which then captured the national government’s attention.

“I saw news of this scam, and I was dumbfounded,” said President Cream Puff. “I absolutely could not believe these little rascals would forfeit their entire futures just to make a quick buck. I mean, what has this country come to, honestly?”

The president’s impassioned reaction to this report led him to direct Congress to name The Hudsonian the new official national newspaper immediately after the fact. It has been the go-to source for news ever since.