Trump deports community college to academic Heaven

Hunter Wallace
Meme Writer

President Donald Trump announced last Monday that community colleges throughout the nation will be banned as of 2018.

The announcement came directly from the president following an encounter with British Prime Minister Theresa May.

“The current higher education system in America is simply substandard; we have more jobs than ever, but so few qualified citizens to assume such positions, or so May claims. The majority of students who find success in the United Kingdom attend four-year universities,” said Trump.

“That being said, in order to improve our student’s rate of success and compete with our European allies, all community colleges throughout America will be banned, effective Jan. 2018,” said Trump.

Trump’s decision to ban all community colleges in the nation has placed doubt and uncertainty into the minds of teachers across the nation.

For educators like History Professor Blaine Erikson and Communications Professor John Gamble, this raises several questions, chief among which are those related to job security.

“It’s hard to believe that i’ve taught at Hudson Valley Community College for 30 years, and now I will no longer have a job, just because of this one decision by the president. I suppose I’ll have to look for employment elsewhere,” said Erickson.

“I can’t say I’m surprised by the president’s decision. It seems as though the number of students attaining bachelor’s degrees today is overtaking those with associate degrees. Yes, this means I will be out of a job, but I’m trying to make the best of the situation,” said Gamble.

“Considering that there are not many openings for communications professors these days, I may be forced to find a career below my education level,” said Gamble.

Students have mixed reactions about this new order, but generally appear to be expressing confusion, resentment and speculation.

“I seriously don’t understand why Trump is banning community college just because the prime minister defamed our college system. Sure, four-year universities may produce more efficient and prepared students that are ready to enter the workforce, but the social aspect of community college feels more personal,” said communications student Ink Query.

“Since when did the U.S. become interested in following Europe’s higher education model,” said Query.

“Has our country really become so obsessed with mirroring Europe’s education model that we’re removing what is perhaps the most welcoming of all higher education institutions,” said nursing major Penelope Toledo.

“Would we rather sacrifice all the small classes, strong friendships and irreplaceable experiences found at community colleges in order to promote four-year universities, than consider keeping what we currently have as a way of preserving our identity,” said Toledo.

“If you ask me, I think removing community college from the equation is only the first step. I bet Trump is planning on meeting with officials from several other countries, all of whom will make him reconsider the entire American higher education system. Next thing you know, a gap year will be commonplace, and the metric system will be the new standard form of measurement,” said Frank Liapis, biotechnology major.

Whether Trump’s ban on community colleges is effective remains to be seen, but students and faculty alike have already considered its ramifications.