Trump Extradited To Extraterrestrials

By Hustin Jurley

Sick and tired of waiting for humans to decide whether to indict former President Trump? Luckily, members of the ♒◆♎⬧□■♓♋■ council ruled to “abduct” Trump on grounds of false advertising and attempted murder stemming from the near-death of the High Chancellor ☒⓿🙚❷ 🖡⑨❸⓪④, not to be confused with Vice-Commander 💧⧫♏❖♏ ☜❒⬥♓■. The assault stemmed from an altercation over the High Chancellor nearly dying from being “assaulted” by a Trump Steak^tm.

Known as the “trailer park” of the Milky Way galaxy, Earth has been a constant source of entertainment since a celebratory WRLD D3ST0Y3R rocket, in celebration of the quadricentennial ☟□🔾♏♍□🔾♓■♑ for the ☟◆♎⬧□■ ✞♋●●♏⮹ college, caused an extinction-level event, wiping out the local bird-lizard hybrids native to the planet. This event, described by the oldest living witness to the event as “smashing”, brought the eyes, feelers, and tentacles of the galaxy squarely onto Earth. Ever since the ☟□🔾♏♍□🔾♓■♑ event, Earth has been on the front page of every “rag” haloplate throughout the galaxy.

Former President Trump has long been on the council’s radar. Thought to be a member of the 🖐❒♓⬧♒ race, known for their orange skin and anus-like food-shoveling orifices, roused an outcry from galaxy bookies  in regards to the betting line during the 2016 election. 

Chancellor 🖡⑨❸⓪⑤ finally received his Trump Steak^tm from 2007, in the mail sometime mid-crystallin cycle, in the high cycle of Manic (a local moon, and home moon of the lizard people). Following Trump’s example, 🖡⑨❸⓪④ proceeded to cook the gray, slimy meat until it looked as unappetizing as the one Trump ate for the promo.

From the first bite, Chancellor 🖡⑨❸⓪⑤ began violently shaking (common amongst his race) in pure tasteless pleasure. Known for having absolutely zero tastebuds, the Quacklacks, are known to look for the most tasteless meals throughout the galaxy. Satisfied with the lack of any real taste in his meat, 🖡⑨❸⓪ finished his meal; however, tragedy quickly struck.

  Unbeknownst to the media, after years of radiation exposure while traveling to Chancellor 🖡⑨❸⓪⑤, the Trump Steak^tm’s middle became extremely acidic when mixed with Quacklacks digestive fluid. Melting through his exoskeleton, Chancellor 🖡⑨❸⓪⑤ managed to rip his head off to prevent further damage.

Trump’s lawyers have denied any wrongdoing. However, they were shortly disintegrated after the charges were brought against Trump. While the number of cycles before Chancellor 🖡⑨❸⓪⑤ gets the justice he deserves remains undetermined, Trump will be held by the Quacklacks until further notice.