Viking challenges eagle as national birb

Emma Hall
Staff Writer

Will the Hudson Valley Viking replace the eagle as the national birb?

Word that Hudson Valley’s mascot was being considered to replace the eagle as the national birb was leaked out late last week and quickly went viral. In response to the news leak, President Trump quickly took to Twitter.

“It’s unfortunate somebody blabbed about it before a final decision was made, but this is not fake news,” Trump said. “Hudson Valley’s Viking is being considered to replace the overrated American bald eagle as national birb. The Viking is a terrific birb.”

The fact the Viking is even being considered for this distinguished position is thanks to his success in Mascot Madness, an annual event hosted by SUNY to find the top dog (or, in this case, a birb) of the New York mascot world. The Viking is winning this year by a landslide.

Not everyone is as thrilled about the Viking’s national birb potential as Trump.

Freshman George Putterby, an English emigrant and birb watching major, believes the whole idea should be flushed.

“It’s despicable the way these Americans are going,” he said. “It’s a bloody Viking, not a bloody birb! It’s no wonder the country is falling apart. I’m quitting this study abroad crap and going back to England where people at least know what birbs are.”

Putterby is right in that the Viking is not technically a birb, but another student has an answer for him.

“People who have a problem with the fact the Viking is not a birb should check their history books,” small rodent biology major Hickory D. Dock said. “In the early days of our country, Benjamin Franklin wanted the turkey to be our national birb, but everyone knows turkeys are not in fact birbs, but food. Franklin wasn’t a dummy, though, so if he didn’t have a problem with something other than a birb being a birb, we shouldn’t either. I think Vikings have just as good an argument as gobblers to be the national birb.”

Dock’s Extremely Hard Calculus professor, Willy Nilly, backs her up with a different angle.

“It’s perfectly reasonable to let the Viking be a birb if he wants to be,” Nilly said. “You’re being narrow-minded if you think differently. If the Viking feels he is truly a birb at heart, then it is unjust of us to argue he is not.”

Many people don’t want to see the eagle dethroned as national birb, yet supporters are adamant about the change.

“Look at the eagle, it’s bald!” memeology major Curly Topp said. “Do we want to convey to the rest of the world that Americans are hairless? The Viking may not be a birb, and some of us may resent him taking the place of the eagle, but at least he has a good beard!”
Exotic Mushroom professor B. Baggins also had a few words for those against the idea.

“Maybe it’s time for a change,” he said. “We need an adventure around here again. Eagles are awfully overrated anyway.”

Whether the Viking replaces the bald eagle will not be the college’s decision. The best thing we can do for now is keep a clear head and a weather eye on the birb horizon.