Flying saucer causes commotion on campus
Jacob Pitts
Staff Writer
An alien conspiracy has been unearthed on campus after a snow plow collided with a parking lot light post to reveal an underground UFO base.
With this discovery, Hudson Valley joins a long tradition of schools with hidden lairs beneath the surface, including Hogwarts’ very own Chamber of Secrets. Whether or not we also have a bloodthirsty monster lurking in the plumbing remains to be seen, so students should exercise extra caution and possibly employ a buddy system when using the restrooms.
The affected area, in lot B3, is now surrounded by traffic barrels and caution tape. The cracks from the crash’s impact are still visible, as are the remains of the former light post, but the college has been working overtime to cover up the mishap and save the school’s reputation.
While the alleged alien base has been sealed off since, multiple students were able to catch a glimpse before maintenance caught wind.
“I was there when the plow hit the light post, and the driver literally disappeared before my eyes,” said forensic science major Dana Scully. “It was like he knew he was about to get exposed and just teleported.”
Scully shared the details surrounding his discovery.
“I decided to check it out up close, so I got out of my car and walked over,” he said. “The closer I got, the more I heard these whispers in my ear getting louder and louder. I still couldn’t make out what they were saying until I pressed my ear up against the cylinder of cement, and all of a sudden it clicked: Whatever was down there was repeating ‘Ayy LMAO’ over and over.”
Scully continued, “I went around to the other side of it, and there was a small opening to a tunnel large enough to crawl down. I turned my phone flashlight on and went in a few feet, and, to my surprise, I saw several of my professors repeating the chant in a circle around a flying saucer, as if it were part of some ritual. The only thing is, their skin was green, and they had far more eyes and limbs than I remembered them with in class.”
While the school and its employees continue to deny any extraterrestrial affiliations, student word-of-mouth has sparked a public relations disaster for Hudson Valley.
Fall enrollment is off to an extremely rocky start, ratemyprofessors.com has crashed from so many students outing their professors as aliens and the damaged light post has become a hot spot for tourists after being dubbed “the new Area 51” by the History Channel’s hit documentary series, “Ancient Aliens.”
“I knew it,” said Fox Mulder, a criminal justice major who heard the news. “Some of my professors have always been a bit odd, but I previously chalked it up to them being really socially awkward. Now, it all makes sense that they were imitating humans, and very badly at that. Also, I could have sworn I saw Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones scouting the parking lot in black suits the other day.”
Physical sciences major Ellen Ripley has concerns that her tuition is funding the production of “AWMDs: Alien Weapons of Mass Destruction.”
“It doesn’t bother me that the faculty and staff are from a different planet,” Ripley said. “I mean, I’m not xenophobic or anything. I just hope they come in peace and aren’t saving up our bills for evil purposes.”