NY Lawmaker Defends Cuomo’s Integrity “Andrew Has Touched Us All” (Memesonian)

The following is satire for our April Fools issue. Please don’t take any of it seriously. 

By Nolan Cleary, Editor-in-Chief 

For the past few months, Governor Andrew Cuomo has largely come under fire for his ongoing scandals involving nursing home deaths in the state and more prominently, the number of sexual harassment allegations thrown his way.

Since March multiple women have accused Cuomo of inappropriate sexual behavior towards them. One of Cuomo’s current staff members has even backed up the claims. Now, with ten women accusing Cuomo of misconduct, the Governor appears to be fighting the most challenging political fight of his life. 

The ongoing scandals have led to an investigation by Democratic State Attorney General Letitia James and have caused some to call for the Governor’s resignation or impeachment. 

Despite this, Cuomo has vigorously denied any claims of tampering with nursing home death numbers, or inappropriately conducting himself around women and has thus far declined to resign, even indicating he plans to continue seeking an unprecedented fourth term in office. 

Now, some major Democrats in the state are rushing to his defense. State Assemblyman Connor Freehart represents parts of Viking County, New York in his district. He spoke with the Hudsonian exclusively amount the scandals involving Cuomo. 

Unlike most politicians, however, Freehart insists Cuomo did absolutely nothing wrong. “His handling of the COVID-19 pandemic was spectacular! He demonstrated real leadership. Andrew has touched all of us,” Freehart said. 

Freehart said that while other states failed to control the virus, Cuomo was always willing to help. “Whenever our state has been done in the mud, Andrew is always there to lend a helping hand and boy, can he get handsy,” Freehart said. 

Freehart also praised the Governor’s Emmy winning press conferences. “Andrew‘s so charismatic. Every time he’s there, you can feel him and I mean feel him,” Freehart said. 

Freehart considers himself a good friend of the Governor. “He and I are very close. Boy does he know how to get close and I mean close. Sometimes, I just want to kiss him.”

Martin Gareru, a political science professor at Hudson Valley Community College has said that many New Yorkers feel the way Freehart is describing, despite massive controversy. 

“Cuomo has always been a warm, comforting presence. Now, with all of us forced to social distance, I fear we may never be able to touch our beloved Andy once more,” Gareru said. 

Freehart compared Cuomo to influential Democratic elected officials like Bill Clinton. “The actions Clinton took highly resemble Cuomo’s, which is a good thing. As we all know, Bill Clinton was an excellent model for how young boys should act, as he was the clear role model as to how to treat women, no doubt about that,” Freehart said. 

Freehart also insisted Cuomo was a feminist hero within the Democratic movement. 

Now, Vice President Kamala Harris, who reportedly has her eyes set on the Presidency in the future, is assuring Americans she’s taking the case quite seriously, as she’s inviting President Joe Biden to spend time in one of New York’s nursing homes to test their safety.