Crazy Conspiracy Theorist On-Campus Claims Jeffrey Epstein Killed Himself (Memesonian)
The following is satire for our April Fools issue. Please don’t take any of it seriously.
By Nolan Cleary, Editor-in-Chief
Some people just can’t be reasoned with.
At Hudson Valley Community College, one student has been gaining attention for his wild and outlandish conspiracy theories. Jeremy Waltz has now been going around campus repeating the unsubstantiated conspiracy theory that Jeffrey Epstein’s death was a suicide.
“I swear it’s true,” Waltz claimed. “Every piece of evidence confirms it.”
No evidence suggests Epstein’s death was a suicide.
Still, Waltz has continued to suggest Epstein committed suicide despite there being little evidence something like that could happen within a prison cell.
Waltz is a student who’s been on a dangerous online forum called Reddit. The forum seems to unite people who share fringe conspiracies such as that one and seeks to radicalize others. More bizarre is Waltz’s wild claim that former President Bill Clinton wasn’t involved in any sort of sex trafficking whatsoever.
“I just don’t think he was. Yeah, he’s inappropriate but that doesn’t mean he’s been teaming with Epstein to traffic women,” Waltz said. According to a news report from The Hudsonian last year, the most dangerous conspiracy theories have been surfacing on the internet.
New data shows a startling number of people believe the fringe conspiracy theory that Princess Diana wasn’t murdered by the Queen but instead died in a car accident. Others shockingly believe Area 51 doesn’t hide any aliens whatsoever, despite no evidence to suggest either are accurate.
Political science professor Samantha Bournn said that these types of wild claims are just outlandish, but they can also be dangerous. “When you start coming up with crazy conspiracy theories like this, then you start to believe other wild ideas, like the theory that Jeb Bush didn’t steal the election in Florida for his brother in 2000. The moment you claim something as crazy as ‘Epstein killed himself’ is when it suddenly becomes plausible to say Paul McCartney is alive,” Bournn said.
Students on campus have mostly laughed off Jeremy’s laughable claims. “What does he think, Epstein just hanged himself in a prison cell?” Jai Duda said. “It’s practically impossible for him to kill himself in prison,” said student John Robinson. “Oh yeah, I’m sure the guards were just sleeping when he hanged himself, am I right,” said a sarcastic Zion Shulkin.
Still, Waltz continues to back up his unproven conspiracy theories to this date, even making the wild claim that the guards watching Epstein “were just doing a bad job.”
“That was just the case. No wrongdoing, no craziness, just they were bad guards. How hard is that to believe, it really shouldn’t be that hard to take in. It isn’t, why won’t anyone believe me, why? WHY?”
Thankfully, data suggests very few students believe Waltz’s false claims, only .0000000001% of people believe the unsubstantiated claims that the death of Jeffrey Epstein was a result of suicide. Still, the number is ridiculously high for a theory that is so obviously incorrect.