Professor Dropping Student Assignments Over Blackboard Suddenly Realizes He’s Supposed To Have Been Teaching This Whole Time (Memesonian)
The following is satire for our April Fools issue. Please don’t take any of it seriously.
By Nolan Cleary, Editor-in-Chief
Since the start of the COVID-19 pandemic, professors and staff had to find new ways to teach classes.
Some presented classes via Zoom, while others continued to meet in-person with safety precautions. One case that is perhaps the most shocking is one teacher hasn’t even been teaching classes.
Griffin Cleary, a chemistry professor at Hudson Valley Community College, said he was shocked to find out he hasn’t been teaching classes since March of 2020. Rather, he’s simply been dumping assignments on Blackboard.
“How are students supposed to learn?” Cleary asked frantically. “It’s a total waste of money for so many parents and students,” Cleary said. Cleary has been dumping assignments on Blackboard, the online learning service for students and asking students to do the assignments.
Cleary reportedly never asked his students to meet in any sort of way. Rather, he just required them to watch a few YouTube videos and then just answer a few questions.
“I thought it might be nice, just assign some videos, what could go wrong?” Cleary was shocked when he suddenly realized he wasn’t helping anyone and he was just a stupid waste of a teacher.
“This is BS!” Isabella Simmons, a student in Cleary’s class said. “I thought it was kind of fun,” said Jake Bronkalis. “Like, the tests were so easy. Are they even really tests?”
Despite Cleary’s apologies, many angry parents are calling on the controversial teacher to be fired. “How is my kid supposed to learn to become a scientist if he’s got a bonehead for a teacher?” Pat McNeil asked about his son.
“I spent thousands on my son’s education!” Betsy Borne said. Hudson Valley Community College President Roger Ramsammy was asked to comment as to whether Cleary would keep his job, but reportedly forgot there even was a college in COVID.
“Yeah, sure. Whatever!” Ramsammy said. Still, students seemed to be eternally grateful to Cleary’s efforts, as they straight As in his class. “That was totally easy, I just had to read articles from the New York Times and respond to them,” said Zion Shulkin.
“Professor Cleary is so cool, he like, doesn’t make us do anything,” Samantha Harrison said. The Hudsonian tried to talk to Vice President Louis Coplin on the matter, but he declined a comment we caught up with him during his office hours but found him in a Hawaiian suit with sandals on.
“This matter is of the utmost concern of our college. The education of our students will always be our number one priority at Hudson Valley Community College and we’ll never compromise their goals. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to Florida, baby!” Coplin said as he dashed out of his office during our interview.
Professor Cleary was asked to respond to allegations that 80% of his class just involved discussion board questions for students but declined to comment as he had already left for Cancun before an important faculty board meeting.
Staff at Hudson Valley Community College remain grateful that there aren’t any other Professors involved in just jumping assignments onto BlackBoard rather than teaching.