Student Activities Advisor Scours Floors Of Campus For Spare Pennies To Increase Failing Budget (Memesonian)
The following is satire for our April Fools issue. Please don’t take any of it seriously.
By Nolan Cleary, Editor-in-Chief
Since the start of the COVID-19 pandemic back in early 2020, Hudson Valley Community College has largely struggled with an enrollment problem. As reported last Fall, the college had entered a $10 million hole due to a lack of recruitment on campus.
Now, with funding potentially being pulled and the debts rising, the college is finding creative ways to increase the budget. Student Life advisor Alfredo Balarin has been entering campus every day, searching the floors of Hudson Valley’s campus to pennies that could help increase the budget.
“$62 million in pennies are dropped in America each year,” Balarin said. “That’s plenty to get us back on track.” Balarin was spotted with a magnifying glass on campus searching for pennies to donate to the college.
Balarin has been searching day and night for pennies. Some reports suggest he was sleeping in his office for a week and feeding himself through months-old leftovers from Mazzone’s to try and devote himself to his lifelong goal to save Hudson Valley Community College from economic disaster.
“I’ll stop at nothing to ensure our college is back to normal soon,” Balarin assured students. Last week, Balarin celebrated after finding enough pennies to make up a dollar. “It shows we’re making progress, I just need enough pennies to make up nine million, nine hundred, ninety-nine thousand nine hundred ninety-nine dollars and I’ll be the hero of Hudson Valley,” Balarin said.
Some faculty members have become concerned over Balarin’s constant lack of hygiene. “He hasn’t eaten, slept, or showered in a month. I sometimes wonder how he even survives,” said Professor Rebecca Hellenek.
“I found him clinging to the ceiling making growling noises,” said Martin Lambertsen. However, Balarin said he feels he’s completely fine. “These allegations are false. I’ve been hiding in the ceilings and it’s been completely fine,” Balarin said.
Still, President Roger Ramsammy said he’s concerned for Balarin’s health. “It was kind of cute at first that he dressed as a detective and had a magnifying glass, but now he looks deeply disturbed,” Ramsammy said.
Balarin held a press conference, but only recited mathematical equations that would help the college pay off the debts. “I give him credit for his dedication to the college, but boy, is he dedicated,” Student Senate President Reese Harrison said.
On Monday, Balarin was arrested after harassing a student at Panera’s for not giving him her twenty-five cents in change for the order she received.
The board at Hudson Valley Community College is now trying to force Balarin to take a break. However, that goal may be harder than it seems. Balarin has strapped himself to the ceiling to ensure no one can pull him out of the college in his pursuit to fund the college.
Balarin says there’s no way he’s leaving until he collects enough pennies to reach ten million dollars. “I ain’t leaving. They’re going to need the National Guard to take me out!” Balarin said.
Ramsammy is now considering all options, including an intervention, to get Balarin off-campus. Hudson Valley Community College’s science department estimates it could only take 1,765,890 years at the rate he’s going.