Ben Shapiro Speaks At Hudson Valley Community College; Forced To Stand On Professor Whittaker’s Shoulders To Reach Podium (Memesonian)
The following is satire for our April Fools issue. Please don’t take any of it seriously.
By Nolan Cleary, Editor-in-Chief
Conservative pundit Ben Shapiro visited Hudson Valley Community College for a virtual Voices lecture broadcasted from campus. The vocal and often controversial voice has long been rumored as a potential speaker on campus.
Shapiro expected the face off against an energized crowd of liberal students set to challenge him on his beliefs. Instead, however, Shapiro faced a more inclined opponent: the podium he stood at.
Extremely short, Ben Shapiro was unable to reach the high angle the microphone was at. Shapiro was spotted by Hudsonian press at about 6:00 in the morning in a private limo, striped to a child safety seat.
The 37-year-old was then carried out by his security guards into the campus building. Shapiro was reportedly livid to find the podium was set at two feet high.
“Don’t they know, that height doesn’t care about their feelings? These far-left extremists are trying to get back at me by saying I can’t rise to the occasion. Don, they know I actually can’t!” Shapiro told The Hudsonian.
Shapiro attempted to give the speech despite unforeseen circumstances, but he just wasn’t high enough to reach and his voice was inaudible. After about ten minutes, political science professor Robert Whittaker, who introduced Shapiro at the event, held the tiny conservative on his shoulders.
Shapiro continued his speech about why homeless people are 100% to blame for the circumstances they’re in and that anyone who disagrees is a socialist. His speech also highlighted why Shapiro wants New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez to date him.
At the end of his speech, he took questions from the crowd. Expecting to own a liberal, he was instead mocked by students for his height.
“I think the Oompa Loompas are looking for one of their own back in Willy Wonka’s factory,” said Fatima Mahmud. “I was expecting him to say ‘we represent the lollipop gang’,” said Randy Hitt.
A taller student reportedly pushed Shapiro around, demanding his Mazzone’s money, thinking Shapiro was a student at the college.
One audience member compared Shapiro to the Munchins from the Wizard of OZ, another person suggested Shapiro was auditioning for the role of Ant-Man in a Marvel movie. Despite having to hold Shapiro on his back the whole time, Professor Robert Whittaker said he didn’t experience any back pain.
“It’s like carrying a bag of groceries. It was much better,” Whittaker said. Shapiro hoped to give us a comment on the traumatic experience, but couldn’t reach the microphones for comment.
The faculty department at Hudson Valley Community College defended themselves by saying the college provided ten giant textbooks for Shapiro to stand on to help him reach the podium. One faculty member attacked Shapiro for his backlash.
“I have to tell you, he’s short-tempered,” the faculty member said. Shapiro reportedly explored more of the Capital Region area after visiting HVCC. The Hudsonian caught up with him at Huckfinn’s Playland in Albany, where Shapiro learned he wasn’t tall enough to ride any of the rides.