Students Required To Wear Hazmat Suits To Play Sports On Campus (Memesonian)

The following is satire for our April Fools issue. Please don’t take any of it seriously.

By Nolan Cleary, Editor-in-Chief

For the past year or so, Hudson Valley Community College has prohibited all on-campus sports. With the COVID-19 pandemic on the rise, safety concerns left many players in the dust.

With the pandemic winding down and vaccinations continuing, many have been left to wonder when on-campus sports could return. Sports have been delayed twice since the beginning of the pandemic, as some college officials fear the pandemic could still be risking the health of students. Now, however, it appears Hudson Valley Community College has found a solution to its problem

On Wednesday, Hudson Valley Community College President Roger Ramsammy announced all sports can return on campus, but with massive restrictions. First, all players must have sticks on them to control social distancing. Second, all students must be covered from head to toe in hazmat suits.

“Hudson Valley Community College has always put the safety of our students first and foremost and I intend to continue that tradition. We have scrapped our original plans to have sports return in the year 2047 when 107-year-old Dr. Anthony Fauci is only recommending people wear 15 masks on their faces. Instead, this experimental solution will, I believe, prove to be the best in the nation.” Ramsammy said.

Additionally, all fields will have to be covered in Lysol in the case that students before the game happen to accidentally step on the face of someone who has COVID-19. Massive trucks with gallons of Lysol have been hired to lather the field and the players on it with Lysol before each game.

To ensure even more safety, students will be required to quarantine at a secret containment center across the coast of Panama for four months just to ensure COVID didn’t get sneaky and slip under the cracks of their suits. President Ramsammy presented a whiteboard showing the dangers if these precautions weren’t met.

Since then, students at Hudson Valley Community College have expressed mixed feelings over the proposal. Abigail Underhill, a women’s sports player, said she thinks the proposals are insufficient.

“Why on Earth didn’t they buy giant machines that would throw soap at all the students’ heads? Or glue 100 masks to the students’ suits? Clearly, this was a terrible missed opportunity on the college’s part and they have gone far enough to ensure our safety,” Underhill said.

Samee Onderchain, a baseball player, felt the same way. “They seriously couldn’t have just carved a bar of soap into a baseball bat? What were they thinking, this was such an easy out.” Onderchain said.

Other students however are expressing gratitude towards the work that Ramsammy has already done. Basketball player Kevin Rodriguez is one of those people.

“I’m very glad that I can finally step on the field knowing I’ll be safe with all the soap covered throughout the field. The lack of Lysol on our fields kept me up at night as you could probably imagine.” Rodriguez said.

A track athlete, Lomie Sherin, thought the hazmat suits seemed a little too familiar. “Wasn’t that like, from Among Us?” She asked.

Ramsammy is now talking with scientists to see if there is a way for students to consume Tide Pods safely before games to keep germs out of the body.